Tuesday, June 13, 2017
This Is the Reason I Fight.... A Mother's Day Share...
My heart aches when I see their struggles with exes and life in general. It's not what I wanted for them, although I know that no one has a perfect life without struggles. Even the most faithful of good and decent people have their burdens and trials.
I will say this though, I did try and do some things right, such as trying to keep the home they had lived in a good portion of their life up to the time of our split. I worked odd jobs cleaning homes for people, I worked 16 hour days part of the week, working 6 days a week to keep up with attorney fees, and ended up selling our home, the piano, and anything else of value to try and pay that off. I tried to stay active in church, and struggled with that, primarily because the kids were all mad at me, and weren't with me on most Sundays. It was so hard to go and see all the intact families and not feel so deeply alone, and hopeless. I said no to the men who thought I should hop in bed with them, and no when my children thought I shouldn't have such high standards in dating and finding someone who might respect and care for me in the right way. It was important that they see that there could be a better way.
I spent many lonely hours trying to sort out everything that was going on, feeling abandoned by everyone pretty much, even though that wasn't necessarily true. It sure felt like it sometimes. Not having my own mom around, or parents that really wanted to be there didn't help. It's hard to express all that I want because there is so much that would cause hurt by sharing, so I will leave it be.
I still fight for my children, all grown up, and trying to make their way, through prayer, trying to visit when I can afford to, messages, money, and so on. Is it enough? Maybe not, I'm not sure any more. I constantly feel like I'm chasing my tail financially, always trying to find a way to have the money to go see them, and never quite being able to be there as much as I would like.
To top that off, there's that invisible wall that sometimes is hard to break through when there's been a divorce in the family. Even when my children live close by, I don't see them as much as I should or would like to. Misunderstandings, taboo topics, stressful lives all seem to create a barrier that I don't know how to deal with. I marvel at mothers who can tell their adult children whatever is on their mind and not cause a major rift. Maybe that's just the dynamic of their relationships, whereas I've tried both being frank, and being cautious and I still don't fare well.
I will continue to be a warrior mother in my own way though. I love my children and grandchildren with all my heart. The world they were born into is harsh sometimes, and confusing most times. My stance is to choose the right, and come what may. I will fight for truth, for peace, for faith, for God, as that is how I can best serve my family. I know I still make mistakes, but Heavenly Father is merciful, and lets me know when I need to change something I'm doing, or just stop something.