Saturday, June 14, 2014
So it seems I will spend another Father's Day wondering where you might be, and if you even care. It's been so long since I was conceived that you may have forgotten I'm even here. I try not to think about it too much as it would consume my life and I have a lot to live for. I grew up thinking another man was my father. That was hard as I grew up thinking he didn't love me because I wasn't pretty or skinny or whatever like my two sisters. It was frustrating because I tried so hard to be good and smart and it was never enough. If Grandma hadn't gotten upset with my stepfather about something he said, I might never have known about you. She actually did me a huge favor though, as it lifted the burden of feeling unwanted by my "Dad". He was given a raw deal though and so I can't really blame him for the way things turned out. I know you weren't given a choice as to whether you would be in my life or not, and that's sad. I hear you were angry and didn't react very well when Mom didn't want to marry you, and for that I'm sorry. It seems you both made a mistake, but you know, I don't feel like I am one. I also know you got married and had children with your wife, so I have other "halfsies" out there somewhere.
There was a time when I felt very strongly I should look for you. The window of opportunity was open and the push to look was so strong. That feeling has subsided, and perhaps I missed an opportunity to learn about a great family. Fear overcame faith, as I came to feel that you might reject me as other adults in my family have over the years. I can't change that, or go back and correct it. I hope you had a happy life, and are surrounded by those who love you. Heavenly Father has taken care of me by giving me an opportunity to have the true gospel in my life. It has been my life line and God has sent me many angels to lift me up during hard times. I hope I can live up to the gift He has given me, as I truly believe He loves and cares for all of us.
Some day, on the other side, we will meet. Some day I will know what it is like to have both parents in my life, and my children will get to meet both of their grandparents for the first time. I don't know why Heavenly Father loved me enough to give me the strength I've needed to survive this life so far, but I hope it will continue, and that I can be even partly worthy of the blessings I have.
The hardest part about all of this is that I have nothing to share with my children and grandchildren about you. Hair color, eye color, likes, dislikes, sports did you have a favorite? Your parents, siblings, and so on. I only know where you came from, and that your nickname was Frenchie. I don't know who you really are, except someone who spent enough time with my mom to be intimate with her. Mom never told me about you, as she probably thought I would think poorly of her, and she already hated herself. We didn't know that until after she died, she was pretty good at keeping up a good front, but then abuse victims have practice with that.
I am so not good at expressing my feelings openly. It's not easy to share when for so many years sharing meant running the risk of rejection. Now, it doesn't really matter so much, because I've come to know that with God, all will be okay in the end. Even if things get rough, or harder than I think I can handle, with God it will all be okay in the end.
So Dad, wherever you are, I wish you a happy Father's day. May the Lord give you the gift he has given me.
Your Oldest Daughter,