A Mother's Hope & Prayers

 Today as I sat in church watching the Primary children sing to their mothers I thought about all of you and wanted to share my feelings with you. I remember when you used to sing the same songs and it really tugged at my heart and brought back sweet memories.

My Dearest Bryan,
From the moment I first held you in my arms I could feel the gift of God in you. A shining light had been sent to us and we hardly knew what to do with you. Born a little man, so strong, so quick to develop both physically and mentally we surely fell short of the blessing you are to us. Even though I had siblings I never knew a baby who could make his way across the floor when only a month old, or who could pull up when told to at 2 months old. I surely wasn't ready for a baby who found me, where ever I was in the apartment, and just wanted to hang out at my feet. No, you didn't want me to hold you, you just wanted to explore. You saved the holding for nursing times, and when your dad came home from work. You two would fall asleep in the rocker and I would wonder why you couldn't do that with me during the day. When you started pulling yourself up on the furniture at 6 months and then crawling 4 days later I was starting to think I'd given birth to a little superman. You could down a whole peanut butter and jelly sandwich as well as a banana at one sitting! At 8 months you started sounding out words and by 9 months you could tell me that you wanted chee, juice, appew, and nana. Thank goodness you walked at 10 1/2 months as I was fairly far along with Stephanie and you weighed 25 lbs by that time. The only reason it took you so long to walk on your own was that you were so fast with crawling and running around the edges of furniture you didn't slow down long enough to learn to walk, so we made you! :-) At 2 you were "reading" stories back to me in amazing accuracy, and could counter my saying 1 with 2, and when I would say 3 you could say 4, and so on up to 10. I know we certainly fell short of giving you all the learning experiences you needed as you were a born sponge when it came to learning. You could read from the scriptures, KJV, by the time you were 5. You have been blessed with talents beyond measure! You have been a blessing beyond measure in my life.

Dear Sweet Stephanie,
You were such a breath of fresh air in a tiny little angel after 16 months of trying to keep up with Bryan! So sweet and good natured, you rarely cried. I would sometime wake up in the middle of the night and touch your tiny body laying in the bassinet beside me as you were so quiet! When you did wake up, even as a tiny newborn, you would coo and chatter with such abandon and always seemed so happy. For months we worried over your continual ear infections, but you rarely if ever fussed or cried even when sick. So quick to smile and giggle, you were so wonderfully a baby in every sense. Soft, sweet, cuddly and loving. You were very forgiving of your brother when he would try and take toys away from you. I could always count on finding you in a box or a drawer somewhere, sitting there playing by yourself, happy as a lark. You would give me that funny lopsided smile and keep on playing, not wanting to be bothered. The queen of mud pies, you could make a mess better and bigger than your brother ever thought of doing. As you got a bit older you struggled a bit with shyness, for no reason I should add. You turned your shyness into a strength when you broke free of it through singing. You have a voice I always wanted, with a full range where I'm weak. You have a way of drawing people to you with your sociality and friendliness. For whatever reason, people just like to give you things, as you must surely give them something they need. You have a way of looking at things that make us all think a little differently and open up our minds a bit more to other possibilities. Your joyful giggle and crooked smile will always melt my heart!

My Amanda,
So different in some ways from your older brother and sister, with a unique spirit as similar and yet individual as they. My Indian baby I've always called you as I knew you were meant to be, just like they were. I saw you in a dream one day with very dark hair so when you were born, I knew we were done having children as you were to be the last. Champion to small animals and lost souls, you have always had a heart so soft it would break at least once a week if not more. I still remember the little pet cemetery you created at the side of our driveway, and how you would make little caskets for your deceased pets out of soda cans you cut open. You would make a soft bed of tissue and gently lay your little furry friends in them, and then pull the cover over and bury them, marking the graves with sticks and wildflowers from the yard. Christmas was always a wonder with your excitement. Taking you to see Santa was a highlight as you would yell through the mall, look there's Santa! and run up to him fearless. The first time we took you trick or treating you were so amazed at the generosity of people you would run back to the van, "Look Mom and Dad, they gave me candy, they gave me candy!!!" We could always tell when Spring had finally hit North Pole as you would run inside the house yelling, "A bug, a bug, it's a bug!!!", as you fled the mosquitoes that inevitably showed up. We could always count on you for drama, as if something was really, really, great, then other things were really, really, awful! You still make us laugh, cry and feel with you as you agonize over friends and loved ones.

To all of you here are my hopes and prayers. I hope and pray that you will remember the goodness of God, and the gifts he has given us. I hope and pray that you will realize the talents you have so fully been blessed with, and will continue to nurture those tender feelings you have for those around you through your talents. I hope and pray that you will remember the touch of your child's hand on your face, or the tiny arms around your neck and know that they are gifts of angels. I hope and pray that you will pray, and ask for divine guidance, as I know without a doubt that your prayers will be answered and you will find peace and joy as you turn to God. I hope and pray that someday we can all be a celestial family as I know that families are meant to be forever, and that God has so much for us, if we will choose his gift. I hope and pray, that you will know how much I love and cherish you. I hope and pray that you know how you have all made my life so much richer, because you are a part of it. I hope and pray that you will know how much I wish I could see you and talk you to and spend time with you. I love you more than you really know.
Love,
Mom

We will miss you little boy....

It was such a hard week last week! Bryan left for Portland so we helped Emmett and his mommy get ready for their move to Arizona. Emmett has been such a huge part of our lives for 2 and a half years. He's brought laughter, joy, amazement, wonder and love by the bucketfuls. If I've been remiss in keeping up with my blog posting it's been because we haven't quite known how to deal with the breakup of his parents and the moves. I see pieces of Emmett all over the place, from his alphabet magnets on the fridge to the beach ball in our bedroom. He left his binky, so I had to throw it away. Oh Emmett, we are praying for a miracle for you! Don't forget the prayer you and grandpa said on the corner the other night. Don't forget to pray. We love you so much!

The Games We Play..... the life of a grandma

Today I've been cursed by a wizard, saved by super heroes, found treasure with pirates, took a ride on a motorboat and played "ring around the roses" with a queen. I've worn a sweater with touches of blended fruit and mashed peas, cleaned several sets of hands, and wiped a few fannies over and over again. I've been hit, hugged, slobbered on, and kissed. An adventurous life for sure, and I'm grateful for every moment I have that I can spend with my grandson and the babies I tend.

What Matters Most.....

A wonderful video that hopefully will remind us that happiness isn't measured in the fashions we wear, the house we own, the car we drive, fame, or the entertainment we enjoy.
May it touch your heart, as it has me. WHAT MATTERS MOST

He knows our hearts.....

Emmett is helping grandpa push the stroller through the zoo..... Family, what could be more important than that? It's a gift from God for those born into loving families, but sometimes we are born into confusion and chaos. And, in spite of what we may think, sometimes that is a gift as well.
Today was Fast and Testimony Sunday. For those not familiar with the LDS church, once a month we fast for 2 meals. The money we would normally spend on food we give to the church to help buy food and other things for those in need. I listened to two young women talk about how grateful they are for their family. My stepdaughter talked about her first year at college and how scary it was to watch us drive off and leave her at the dorm. It was a choice she made though, to go off to school and she knew that we would be there for her if needed. One of her friends is going to Japan for the summer and she echoed the idea that she knew that even though she would be in a strange land with a family she didn't know, she knew that the Lord would be there watching over her, and that she could be in touch with her family, who love her very much.
I reflected on their talks, and how different my life was at their age. Choices were made for me that had an impact on my life and still does, even now. I was living with my stepfather and stepmother, not knowing at the time that he was not my real father. When we moved off post after "dad" retired, they didn't let me move into the trailor with them. They were planning on building a home and the trailor was temporary. They turned the tool shed into my room, sort of. It was a plywood and 2 x 4's shed with no insulation. The mower and other tools were still in there. Yes, there was a bed put out there, but there was little light, and when the temps dropped down in the 30's at night I had to bundle up under 3 double folded blankets, and wear several layers of warm clothes to bed. I had a small heater that barely kept the cold at bay, and was miserable. I did get to use the bathroom and eat at the house sometimes, but I could feel a difference in the way I was being treated and was so hurt by the whole situation. I would go to my only class in the morning, walk the two miles to the main gate of the military post I worked at, catch the bus, and then after work had to look forward to walking the 3 miles home. It was downhill most of the way so that wasn't too bad, but the last mile there were no streetlights and it was dark out on the desert. I was told that they didn't want me waking the family when I came home late at night, but it was my stepfather that encouraged us to go out and stay out until whenever. They wouldn't even come to the main gate to pick me up, I had to catch a ride, no matter the weather, or walk. I wouldn't have minded the walking so much, but for a teenage girl in a military town, at night, walking home alone, it wasn't safe. I had one person offer me a ride and then took me out into the desert and threatened to kill me if I didn't do as he asked. I never told anyone because I didn't think anyone would care. It was my second rape, and I was told I asked for it the first time so why would anyone believe me this time. It was a very confusing time for me, and I made a lot of choices I would never have made had I lived with a family that treated me like one of their own. Mom was already gone by that time and that added to the whole mess. Later they found several black widows nests in the shed after I moved out, and laughed about it. Bob eventually took me out to find a place of my own, so I was paying for my own place, food and other expenses even before I got out of high school. It wasn't my choice, but one made for me. Sometimes when I think about that time, which really isn't unless someone says something to trigger that memory, I want to call my stepmom and ask why? Why did they continually reject me? I know the answer though, and it had little to do with me, and more to do with my stepfather's alcohol abuse, and the misery everyone suffered living with my stepdad.

So what does this have to do God knowing our hearts? Well I survived all that and much more before my life settled down. I know that Heavenly Father watches over me continually. I'm alive to see my grandchildren, and I have a loving husband, and a strength that a lot of folks will never have. I can use my experience to help others, and it's what He wants me to do. I've lived a hell on earth and made it through, and can offer an empathy to those going through similar experiences. I learned one very important principle and that is, that even though we are weak, the desires of our hearts can be achieved, if we have righteous desires. We will be tested to see if we are willing to stand as a witness of God at all times, and in all places and things. He will give us the strength to overcome if we look to Him for it. Heavenly Father knew that I didn't want to be weak, and He blessed me even when I wasn't trying very hard. I still falter at times, and yet I'm still blessed with what I truly need. My desire has always been to be a good person, but sometimes I didn't feel worthy of love and felt hopeless. I know now that I was wrong, and that He truly does know me, better than I know myself. I hope my experiences temper my attitude towards others, and that I try to be more understanding and as patient and loving as He has been toward me. And for those who may mistake what I share here, I truly don't think I'm perfect, so I hope I don't portray that. I still make mistakes, and do regret if I've hurt anyone, or offended them in any way. May the Lord bless us all with the strength and protection we need......